Ten Months-Oh Happy Day!

The last couple of weeks have been adoption roller coaster weeks.  The, "I'm so filled with excitement I could burst" down to the lows of "This is so hard, why are we even trying?"  I've been filled with so many emotions I experienced when we were trying to get pregnant each time.  I've been quite surprised by that.  I never really expected to feel those sorts of things, but I have.

For the last few weeks we lacked one item in order to complete our home study.  Chris' physical.  Well, much to our surprise, God moved mountains in a big way (well, actually, should we have been surprised?!) and Chris got in for his adoption physical at a much, MUCH earlier date than we anticipated.  Within just a few days, we had all the documents back from the doctor, lab tests back, etc.  I was soooooooo excited.  Then NOT excited as I thumbed through the documents to realize that we didn't have one thing from the doctor.  A letter.  And that letter proved to be the thorn in our sides for about two full weeks time.  For some reason the doctor just didn't understand what we needed.  Chris called daily.  Showed up in their office.  Visited the doctor on site at his workplace.  Basically....we stalked her (in a friendly way!).  Finally, with great anticipation, on Thursday last week, Chris had been promised by the doctor that he would have in his hands just what we needed.  He showed her an example and explained precisely what we needed.  He would get it.  We were going to have Chinese food for dinner to celebrate and all the kids kept asking if we had "the paper" we needed yet so they could eat "Chinese chicken nuggets."  Thursday came and Chris went to the doctor's office and picked up what was supposed to be a letter.  What it ended up being was a six page dictation note from his physical exam.  All rather useful information, but not quite what we need for something that needs to be translated into Chinese.  It wasn't even signed.  I was heart broken and thought we'd never get what we needed.   I sent the six pages to the social worker just in case she might approve it, but was not at all shocked when she wrote back and said no.  Back to the drawing board.  Again....  I'm not going to lie.  This was probably the most deflated I'd felt in a long time in this process.  The kids were watching a video and and was hanging up laundry and sort of hid in Grace's closet for a bit and had a huge sob.  I just couldn't believe it.  I felt so....stuck.  And I felt like our daughter was stuck too.

Then, Friday came.  With renewed spirit, Chris wrote the letter for the doctor just as we needed it, printed it, and took it to the office.  He asked the receptionist to simply place a piece of letterhead in the copier and copy the letter onto their letterhead.  Then the doctor signed it and like that....we had it.  WE HAD IT!  Oh happy day!  We got the letter we needed!

Home study complete....yet to be finalized (but that should be soon!).  I-800-A off to the agency!  And what else?  What is sitting open on my desktop?  Oh....just a dossier manual!  Already I had some major heart attack inducing panic moments when reading the dossier manual, but a couple of quick e-mails with our social worker cleared all of that up and I'm not really sweating collecting those documents.  Our agency does all the authenticating for us, so we don't even have to get a single item notarized!  Just all originals.  I've already requested our birth certificates and we already had our marriage license from when I renewed my passport.  Just need to track down some original documents and get them off to our social worker.  So here is how it works and what we're doing now:

• Social worker and supervisor finish home study and make edits
• We review home study and make edits
• Home study finalized
• Finalized home study sent overnight to USCIS, along with our I800A application and hangs out there for a bit (the wait time is typically 90 days, but we've been told turn around right now is actually 50 days, so we hope we catch that wave of quicker processing with no hiccups!)
• While USCIS processes our application, we work on gathering the 13 documents (plus some extra items like photos) for our dossier
• The moment we receive our approval from USCIS, we scan to social worker
• Social Worker immediately begins authentication process on all dossier documents (this is a series of checks and balances to assure China all signatures are "real" and from authorized individuals)
• Authentication is finished within 2-4 weeks from time of start
• D-T-C....DOSSIER TO CHINA!!!  This is a big step and will likely be celebrated with more Chinese food in our home!

What does this mean to us?  Well, we're still in a bit of a paper chase, but soon that will be over.  The fees at this level of the game are mounting.  Fee to agency to finish the home study, fee for I800A application, fee to agency for submission of dossier, fee to China that goes with dossier, fees to several agencies to authenticate dossier.  So far God has been providing the needed funds to get this far.  Would you please continue to pray this would be the case?  We are open to all fund raising ideas you might have!

Ten months.  This is NOT where I expected us to be at ten months in.  Never did I imagine I'd still be waiting for a finalized home study at this point in time.  Never did I imagine we'd be nearly half through 2014 before we even began our dossier.  I guess that isn't really what matters, though, is it?  It isn't about what I imagined and despite the tears and anxiety over all this, I wouldn't have it the way I imagined it.  It is all about Him and His ultimate plan.  When the road gets rocky there is so much peace and rest in that.  He knows!  He knows how long this will take and He is timing it just so....just so....just so....because one day, at the end of the rocky road, is a little girl and all has to be "just so" for her to be ours.  And we wouldn't have it any other way.

Ten months.  Home study complete and almost finalized.  Oh happy day!

Broken

I spend a good portion of my time praying, day dreaming, thinking, wondering about our daughter-to-be.  I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about adoption itself on a much deeper level.  That one little word is so complex and full of meaning.  On one side it is purely glorious.  On another, it is dark and sad, wounded and broken.

We've spent a lot of our adoption process thus far taking a lot of classes, reading books, completing online modules.  My thinking regarding adoption was always fairly solid.  Our church has an amazing adoption culture and has done a fantastic job educating all of us about the gospel picture it is.  I studied social work in college and understand the beautiful family-creating mechanism it can be.  Adoption is beautiful and wonderful.  It is a gift.

I guess I just always made a choice to see only the nice parts.  The "other side" of the mountain parts.  I never stopped to see the humble and broken beginnings.  Now that I look at it in the context of our daughter, things have changed.  It is awkward and complex.  People hear we are adopting and they instantly say, "You must be so excited."  They are right to say that.  I am excited.  It would be wrong to say otherwise, but it also pains me to say the word "excitement" when I refer to the eventual adoption of our daughter.

When I think about the process of having our biological children I remember such joy and anticipation of their eventual arrival.  Never once did I think about what they would go through to get here (I did, however, think about what I would go through to get them here!).  While birth is probably a rather traumatic event, none of us remember it.  God designed it that way.  When I think about the process of getting our daughter in China here, it is so, so different.  Yes, we have to go through an exhausting and challenging battle to get her here, but what she has to endure to get here, well, it brings tears to my eyes.  And there is no guarantee she will not remember.

Adoption is a beautiful and wonderful thing, but let us never forget that the genesis of adoption is trauma and brokenness.  Somewhere, over an ocean and a couple continents away, a mother will give birth.  For reasons we will likely never comprehend, she decides she will be unable to keep and raise her child, so she abandons her (it is not legal to give up your child for adoption in China, so you must simply abandon them).  Our daughter, precious and new, helpless and innocent, will be left somewhere...a city gate, an orphanage door, a busy street.  Then, her sweet, amazing, life giving mother will turn and walk away.  Her agony is our joy because now, she can become ours.  I thank her mother for her bravery.  In China you are urged to have an abortion if you've had too many children or any defect in the child is detected.  Her agonizing, terrible choice to walk away will one day be our overwhelming joy.  Yet somehow, as her adoptive mother, I will one day have to walk my daughter through this.  Why her mother made this choice, how it happened, why her, how was she so undesirable to one, yet longed for by another.  There will be questions I cannot answer.

So yes, I am deeply and eagerly excited for our daughter to arrive--to see her sweet face, smell her skin, and stroke her hair.  I am not, however, excited for what she must endure--the brokenness she will carry for a lifetime.  I pray God will mend her heart as only He can.  Sweet daughter in China, you are already a little warrior and so miraculous.  You are simply amazing and I love you to my core even before I know you.

My Heart is Full

It has been way too long since we've had some non-adoption related family updates!  Here is a photo over load of some of the fun we've had in the last several months:

 These little nuggets turned three.  THREE!!  I guess I cannot refer to them as "the babies" any longer.  Somehow "the pre-schoolers" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.  They are the most complicated,  sanctifying, fulfilling, overwhelming, joyful, complex, and stretching part of each day for me.  There still isn't a day that goes by that I don't say, "God, you sure you wanted me (ME?!) to be the mommy of twins?!  I sure do make a mess of almost each day!"  Yet He is so faithful to use the challenges of mothering multiples to show me my desperate need for Him.  I am so humbled and thankful He did pick me!  Mama of twins is such a unique thing.  It is hard to put words to it.  You twin mamas out there totally get it, I know!  I adore them and cherish them.  This age, while carrying a special set of challenges, is seriously so much fun for Chris and I!  I love little people in my home.  I hope to keep it that way for a long time to come.  We must have little people!  Joshua and Grace abound with joy and I love their special bond.

This boy saw fit to turn six the following month!!  SIX!  Surely I am not old enough to mother a six year old!  Jacob has had an explosive year with his reading.  We went from "Hop on Pop" to full throttle with chapter books!  We went to the library last night and checked out at least five new books and I have no doubt they will all be done in two weeks or less!  This boy loves to read and it makes my heart so happy!  Jacob is an amazing big brother.  He loves his siblings and they adore him.  He is mature and poised and he makes us proud!  We have chosen, as a family, to pursue home school next year and participate in a local Classical Conversations community as a part of that.  He and I are so excited to embark on this journey together.  We can't wait to see what God has in store in the coming school year.  He is wrapping up his time at Trinity with gusto and working so hard.  He loves to study and learn!

My heart and my arms are full. Sometimes I find myself looking at photos like this and I try to picture our second daughter with us.  Yes, my heart and arms are full--yet they long for her to come and ache with the emptiness her absence brings. Until then, I pray for her and rejoice in what I have right now, knowing all of it, all of this, is part of His glorious plan for me.  Blessed indeed.

Specific Prayer Need

I have a very specific prayer request for all those prayer warriors out there to focus on.  Would you please pray for Chris to be able to get his physical with as little missed work as possible? (None is the most ideal option).  I completed my physical last week on Monday and while it was necessary and important, it is also now a ticking time bomb.  The signatures are time sensitive and we need to get it to China before those dates expire.  We can't send it to China until the dossier is complete.  I can't start the dossier until Chris' physical is complete.  I need all the time possible to gather those dossier documents.  Basically, each day that passes between my physical being done and Chris' not being done is wasted time.  We need it to happen....SOON!  The new job is  providing some potential opportunities to get the physical done there, but if it cannot happen there, the new job is creating a problem to go to our family doctor, due to Chris not wanting to take time off right when he started his new job.  All that to say, it is complicated and we need it to happen as soon as possible (this week or next would be fabulous!!).  Would you please pray for God to pave the way for Chris to get his physical very, very soon? 

Concluded

Today, Chris and I had our fourth and final interview with our social worker for our home study process.  She said to us at the end, "Well, this interview has concluded your home study process."  Wait.  What?!  What does that say?  Yep.  CONCLUDED.  Finished.  Complete.  Done.  Sorta.  We lack two documents that should be gathered and submitted super soon. 

I don't know how I feel.  This home study has been such a way of life and has occupied permanent space in my brain.  Now it is over.  Phew!  Huge sigh of relief!  I am elated, overjoyed, energized, and excited, yet also weary, war torn, and nervous over what bumps we'll hit in the next portion of the road.  I do know that God is with us and while we might be battered a bit and tired of spending evenings on "parent education", He is utterly and completely in control of this and we are so thankful He is allowing us to walk this road.

So, what next?  We have to jump a few more hoops and get our home study to the super duper end of the road where it is magically declared finalized.  I am excited about the word "concluded" today, but in the next few weeks finalized will really have me feeling giddy.  Once that word is attached to it, it is locked and loaded, signed and sealed, not to be touched again (unless we pay a big 'ole fee).  Next stop will be US Immigrations for the next 2-3 months where they will review our application and home study and decide whether or not our application to adopt internationally will be approved or denied.  While our home study is hangin' with the nice people of USCIS, we will work on compiling all the necessary documents for our dossier.

We have had many, many people ask us about time lines from this point forward and while I can make fantastic estimations, they are just that.  Estimations.  What I learned about myself through the process of the home study is that estimations are great, and even useful at times, but they often lead to disappointment (primarily for me).  So, a lot like when you are pregnant and you don't know the exact date you'll go into labor, but you wait and watch for signs of the coming baby. We know that when all is said and done, we will hopefully one day exit an airplane on US soil with our daughter in our arms. We don't know when, but as the time draws closer, we'll be sure to clue you in that we're watching for signs of labor.

For now I will just sit back and bask in the goodness of a home study process that has concluded.

Nine Months and One Hand!

Happy nine months of adoption journey, today!  Nine months ago we put months and years and ages of talking, praying, thinking, wishing, hoping to be chosen to adopt into action.  We filled out the form.  We said YES!  We want to be part of a child's journey to a family.  July 7, 2013 will be a date I will not forget.  One of many significant dates in our adoption journey.

One hand!  Five fingers!  Actually, less than five fingers!  That is the number of items that stand between us and the completion of our home study!

Today, I went to the doctor and had my physical completed.  Shew!  I am a human pin cushion!  Three vials of blood, a tetanus shot, and a Hep A and B vaccine (and I have to go back two more times for boosters in the next six months!).  We've saved these physicals for the very last thing because they are time sensitive little documents!  We need to get these babies in a dossier and off to China so we don't have to repeat them!

From what I can see, our home study should be complete in APRIL (!!!!!)  if we can get Chris' physical completed soon!  Would you join me in  praying the following? That I will retrieve all the documents from our physicals hiccup free.  That Chris will be able to work around his work schedule and get his physical completed and miss as little work as possible.  That our fourth and FINAL interview for our home study will go smoothly this week.

Somebody do a cartwheel with me!  I've been dreaming of a little girl....  One step closer to eventually seeing her face and holding her close!

Getting So Close!

It has been a while since there was an adoption update, largely because there has been nothing (or not much) to update.  This home study process has proven to be a complete labor of love.  On April 7th we'll have been at this process for nine months.  Nine months.  And we still do not have a complete home study.  Why is it taking so long?  I've asked myself this question many times.  Part of it is us...we are moving slow, taking our time getting through some of the requirements, and allowed ourselves to get heavily bogged down with some of the "harder to complete" items on the list.  Part of it is that our agency requires a lot from us.  I don't dislike our agency because of it.  I still feel one hundred percent certain this is the agency God would have us use and I would encourage anyone to use them (though I would caution them that the agency estimate of 3-4 months for home study completion might be a little off).  We love them, we love our social worker, and we know that all the tedious and redundant hoops they are asking us to jump through are solely for the benefit and protection of our family.  We will be prepared.  Eyes wide open.  As prepared as you can be.  As prepared as an expectant mother feels for her first experience with labor and child birth.  The fact that this has taken us what will end up being a little over nine months seems so significant to me and explains a lot about my current level of baby lust and eagerness to get this little person home and pulling on my pant leg.  Nine months would be your typical length of pregnancy.  At the end of all this I will not get the joy of pushing and delivering a sweet child into my arms, but oh, the joy and elation I will feel when I pick up that home study hot off the press and get to begin gathering the documents for our dossier!  We'll be so many steps closer to truly being paper pregnant!

I will not lie.  I have floundered through this process.  I've wanted adoption to consume when really, right now, adoption needs to fit in.  We have three other children.  We won't get these days back with them.  So the nights spent snuggling a little person rather than watching an education video are so, so important.  We can't live looking for tomorrow.  We have what God has given us right now.  So that means adoption stuff is slow.  There is nothing wrong with slow--if that is what God wants for you.  He allowed the Israelites to wander in the wilderness for forty years after he delivered them out of Egypt.  Could He have plucked them from Egypt and neatly placed them into His promised land flowing with milk and honey?  You betcha.  Did He?  Nope!  He had a plan.  Why did He do this?  Deuteronomy 8:2 says, "And you shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that He might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not."  God used this time to test and prove their faith in Him.  I think this home study process has been much the same for me.  It is testing ground.  Where does my faith stand?  In my own ability to chase down a document with lightning speed, getting all necessary signatures in record time?  Or does it stand in Him, on His promise to deliver us through this and provide for us according to His wishes for us?  There are certainly days that it is ever so evident to me that God is working in and through this adoption process and then there are certainly days that I like to puff out my chest in pride and foolishly think I can accomplish what He has called us to do.  Without his direction I am hopelessly lost.  I identify with the Israelites here.  I feel as though this home study has been our time in the wilderness and now, here we stand, on the precipice of the Promised Land.  We are about to enter the next phase of what He has promised to us.  Deuteronomy 8 further tells us in verses 6 through 10, "So you shall keep the commandments of the Lord your God by walking in his ways and by fearing him.  For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs...and you shall eat and be full, and you shall bless the Lord your God for the good land he has given you."  I pray that I will remember God is the one who brought us through the home study process and God is providing us with the blessing of being able to complete each and every step of the process.

So what does all this boil down to?  Where are we?  So close I can taste it!  So close I get butterflies of excitement just thinking about it!  We have about 4 more videos to watch (about 40 minutes each and we're trying to do about 3 a week, so we should have those done by next week-ish), a workbook to complete with the videos (which we are trying to complete as we watch, so it should be done when the videos are done!!), a financial form to fill out, adult physicals to complete (mine is on April 7 and we need to schedule Chris'--they need to happen at the VERY end of things due to time requirements on signatures), one form from Chris' new employer, one more interview with our social worker, and another form for the guardians of our children should something happen to us.  That.  Is.  It!  Seriously, I look at all we've had to do and it is daunting and totally overwhelming, but God has been so good to just slowly move us through, biting off one small chunk at a time.  Lord willing, we will have a complete home study by late April or early May!  Next, we'll move on to the dossier and immigration application along with applying for grants to help us fund the adoption.  I'll write more about those things once we get in the thick of it.

So, what can you do right now?  Pray!  Pray God will clear our schedules and minds to complete these videos and workbooks.  Pray God would supply quick, easy, complete and accurate physicals with doctors dotting every "i" and crossing every "t" so we don't have to fight to get those documents done correctly.  Pray we would find a notary locally that we can utilize easily (and free would be every so wonderful, too!)--sooooo many documents need to be notarized now and we really need this to be something we can accomplish easily.  Chris is starting a new job and can't take off random afternoons frequently for getting items notarized.  Pray our social worker would have clarity of mind and heart as she writes our home study and that it will be a true and accurate depiction of our family.  Pray that in this we will never lose sight of all the mountains God has already moved and will continue to move on our behalf to bring our daughter home.

To those of you who have so sacrificially asked how you can help us financially; the time is rapidly approaching for you to be able to give and receive a tax deduction!  Once our home study is complete, our agency will set up a fund where you can mail your gifts directly to them and they will issue you the tax documents you need.  I will be sure to add a post with all of those details once they are made available to us.  We will have another large agency fee due upon the completion of our home study and another fee once we submit our documents to US immigration, so pray those funds will be readily available when the time comes. 

We are so thankful to everyone who has come alongside us through this process.  From the ones asking how to give (or those who have already given!), all of you praying, and down to the tender hearted friend who sweetly places me in the category of her "expectant mama" friends, thank you.  You give us encouragement and stamina to press on. 

Pressing onward toward the goal with so much eagerness and anticipation!