Medically speaking, the months of April and May were some of the most challenging months we've dealt with--for me most of all. Tough decisions. Feeling lost at times. Not knowing where to turn for information, support, or to ask questions. Wondering if the right thing is being done at the right time. I cried a lot. I prayed a lot. I doubted a lot and yes, I let worry overcome me far too many times. I felt crippled too often, completely unable to make any movement.
Things just sort of worked out for us to take all of the month of June off from all things medical. Of course, I say, "just sort of worked out" knowing full well this time of rest was orchestrated for us by a Father who saw my distress. We had a regular dental appointment and one appointment for a second opinion during June. That's it. No therapy, no follow up appointments, no one telling me something new or adding on a new diagnosis. She needed it. I needed it. The big kids needed it. We've just had summer days stretching before us with our most pressing and important appointment being the planned trip to the newest playground in town and when to splash in the wading pool outside. Glorious.
We may be 17 months into this journey, but I still feel very much the rookie. I don't know how to advocate without getting emotional. I struggle to weed through medical opinions to figure out what is really necessary and how pressing issues really are. Are they really big problems? Or are they just really big inside my head? Where I once used to put full trust into the hands of the doctors we work with, I find myself more frequently second guessing, doubting, or going back for additional reassurance.
I've realized in the past couple of months of hard medical stuff that I am incredibly passionate. I am passionate about my daughter. I am passionate about her needs and her story. And in that passion I can become easily frustrated, distraught, and angry with professionals who just don't seem to "get it." I forget this is daily life for me, but it isn't for them. I want them to "get it" and "get it" fast. I see them as professionals and I don't want to be teaching them, but that's what I often find myself doing. And then I doubt myself and what I'm teaching. They question me or challenge me and the doubt comes back. It created a cycle of doubt, fear, worry, anger, frustration, anxiety.... It just wasn't good.
The reality is, she's my daughter...by birth or adoption...God ordained me to be her Mom and in that calling, He equipped me to know her better than anyone else. So in my resting, I'm drawing myself back to that basic concept. God called me to be her mom. He knows just what I need to mother her, to make decisions for her, and advocate for her. Though I feel horribly inadequate, I'm the one He saw fit to do this job. So I will do it. With boldness and courage, knowing He has my back and so long as our decisions are based on His leading, they will always be the right ones.
I have loved our month free from the medical and therapeutic, but it is soon time to get back in the saddle again. And big things are coming. More surgery this summer and another procedure on the horizon by the end of the year. None of it easy. None of it pain free. None of it without a cost, side effects, or risks. But we rest knowing we are with the Lord, right where He wants us, right where He needs her. He is a good, good Father. My mothering will fall short, but His Fathering is always perfect. So we rest. Right there. In His goodness and perfection. We may traverse hard, but we won't climb the mountains alone.
"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."