Four Weeks and Four S's

We are presently exactly four weeks away from Hannah's upcoming palate repair.  Truth be told, we are still, to some extent, recovering from her lip repair that was completed in the end of April.  Y'all have been such wonderful prayer warriors for us in this marathon of adoption, we couldn't face this surgery without you involved!  So, here are four things you can specifically pray for as we approach Hannah's palate surgery.

1.) Sleep--Our sweet girl has yet to find the sweet rhythm of true, undisturbed sleep since her lip repair.  Prior to the surgery she slept like a champ, in her room, in her big girl bed, with little or no issues.  Since her surgery, we have tried several times to make the move from the pack 'n play from our room back to her bed with zero success.  We have discussed her sleep patterns with our post adoption team and they have been encouraging.  We know she will return to her big girl bed....some day...but not likely prior to her palate repair or even immediately after the repair.  Would you please pray that she will find restful, safe, secure sleep in the weeks leading up to her surgery and following her surgery?  Would you also pray over her thumb and finger sucking?  Not only will this be totally a no-no after her surgery, even after healing occurs, it will never be the same and will likely not provide the same level of soothing it currently does (Hannah places her thumb under what palate she has, but then slides her index finger up into the depths of her cleft....these are her final weeks to be able to soothe herself in this way).

2.) Security-Hannah has been home for five months.  Five months is a long time, but also, not.  What I see happening right now is that all of us are rather secure with our life change.  Hannah is here.  She is permanent.  She is not going anywhere.  We, her parents and her siblings, get that.  We've accepted new normal and have moved on.  She hasn't.  She's still stuck somewhere in the middle and the battle is evident.  She struggles to feel completely secure and to trust that she is here....forever.  Each time a guest comes to our home or she faces a new interaction with someone I can see the fear and doubt creep in.  Pray that we can continue to help her feel secure here, but that also this process of her surgery will work to increase her sense of security with us and not diminish it.

3.) Surgeon-Continue to cover our surgeon, Dr. L, and his team in prayer.  We have requested the same anesthesiologist from her lip repair, but will be in a different part of the hospital for her recovery.  We will miss our sweet nurse Katie from last time (so much!!), but we are trusting God to pave the way for us again with a staff that is willing to learn about adoption and attentive to the needs of our daughter.  Pray for a smooth day and easy stay at the hospital when the time comes.  Pray Hannah won't have to wear the no-no's on her arms (Dr. L says it is a wait and see situation with those).

4.) Sanity-Pray for our sanity as we prepare and especially in the days following!  There are freezer meals to make, lesson plans for school to be written, school supplies to be purchased, VBS to attend, and summer fun yet to fit in!  We are fully prepared for Hannah to be physically and emotionally distraught for quite some time following her surgery.  Fellow cleft mamas have prepared us to expect a good 3-4 weeks of drool, pain, eating issues, sleep disturbance and an overall sense of misery.  Our surgeon says it should be in the realm of 2-3 weeks.  We'll just prepare for the worst and hope to be pleasantly surprised if she turns the corner sooner than expected.  As much as we will want to hole up and focus all our time and energy on helping her get over the hump, we also realize that we have three older children and life has to keep moving forward.  We'll be starting back to school shortly after her surgery, rejoining our co-op and the activities associated with that, returning to AWANA at church.....it will be a time of lots of stretching and growing for all of us.  Pray that we can get through all of it with grace.

Each day I look at Hannah and I am so thankful she is here.  I am so grateful to be her mama...to be the one who gets to walk this road of medical care with her.  I am so thankful she can cry out "Mama!" when she wakes and I will be there.  Everyday, orphans in China undergo medical procedures with no one to cry out for, just an ayi (auntie/nanny).  I am so glad Hannah will not be alone.  I am so thankful for you, our village, who patiently and lovingly surround us as we walk this journey together.  What a gift you are.

So there you have it.  Four weeks to go.  Four S's to pray for.  We covet your daily prayers for us!

Oasis Retreat

I have the best husband on the planet.  No, really, I do.  About three months after we got home with Hannah, just shortly after her lip repair, it became apparent that mothering four children 'round the clock was really wearing me down.  My ever so attentive husband texted me one day and told me that I ought to consider a weekend getaway prior to Hannah's next surgery, when my time, energy, and focus will be in high demand.  At first I sort of shrugged it off and said I didn't really know where I would go, etc.  About a month later I asked him if he really meant it and he said yes, so I began making plans to go visit my sister and her wonderful family in Michigan.  It had been two years since I last saw them and three years since I'd last been to their home (which, by the way, is located in the most perfect of locations).  She quickly agreed to host both Jacob and I on a long weekend retreat.  A time to get away, not have to be so needed for a few days, to rest, recharge, and rejuvenate.  It was a chance to get away to an oasis of being fairly responsibility free.

It turns out that our eldest needed the retreat away almost as much as I did.  It is hard work being the oldest child in a family, especially when that family is going through major life change.  He has been so even keel much of the time, it has been easy to overlook his need to get a break, but upon our arrival to Michigan, it was incredibly clear that he needed it--perhaps even more so than I.

My sister did not fail to deliver on her promise to take good care of us.  Jacob swam in a super cool water playground and had a private swim lesson in a pool.  He shot off bottle rocket after bottle rocket and watched fireworks in the cul-de-sac with much delight.  He drank way too much Sprite.  He ate ice cream after ice cream.  He learned how to kayak and conquered his fear of dogs (well, at least their dog).  He made friends with the family cat and spent some time reading in the book nook.  He stayed up hours past bedtime and slept in a tent in the basement.  He explored the woods and saw Lake Michigan.  He jumped on the trampoline and went on a dune buggy thrill ride.  He rode the swings for the first time at an amusement park and tried a Dutch cookie for the first time.  Seriously, it was a big boy's retreat.  He needed it.  I needed to see him enjoy it.  He so needed the break from big brotherhood--a chance to hang with the big kids and not be held back by two four year olds and a two year old.  I loved being his mom this weekend.

It was so great for me to see my nephews and see how much they have grown.  How I loved to watch how mature they were to take their younger cousin under their wing--keeping him close in the pool, paddling the kayak for him, taking him out to the platform in the lake, and building rockets with him.  The hand holding and arms around the shoulders were almost too much to bear.  Seriously.  How did I get so blessed with such a fantastic family?  My sister made sure I got the rest I needed--not letting me help with meals much or cleaning up, telling me to stay at the lake as long as I needed, taking me to tour the spots I specifically wanted to see.

It was a whirlwind of a weekend and then it was time to come home and I assure you, there were many tears shed (not just by little people, either).  I knew I needed the break, but perhaps didn't realize how badly until I got there and it was over.  I am so thankful for my sister and for her family to host us and show us such a wonderful time.  It was truly a wonderful weekend for us.  It was also the first time I have left Hannah overnight (and I went big and stayed away for three nights)!  She handled it fairly well and Daddy was amazing at keeping the three little kids well entertained and cared for in my absence.  Since returning home Hannah has had a bit of regression, but when security is uncertain in her mind, regression occurs.  I know in due time, she will realize Mama always comes back and that she can rest feeling secure.

Now?  Now we are home and it is time to really gear up for what is yet to come.  Hannah's next surgery is just 4 weeks away and we start back to school in just 6 weeks.  It is time to make freezer meals, catch up on sleep, finish lesson plans, and get all the back to school supplies stored away.  We are fully prepared for this surgery to really take a toll on Hannah--both physically and emotionally.  Would you please join us in praying for her now?

I'll close by echoing what my nephew told my sister after we'd pulled out of the driveway this week, "Please don't let it be two years before we see them again."  I couldn't agree more.  Yes, please, don't let it be two years again.

As the Dust Begins to Settle {Five Months Home}

We've been home now for five months.  The longer we are home, the more complex some things seem to become, while others are easier or gone entirely.  It is so hard to explain.  We've been home five months.  People hear that and think, "that is almost half a year, surely everything is back to normal in their house."  And while a lot of things are back to normal or settling in at a "new" normal, the truth of the matter is, there is still so much new.  So much to learn.  So much catching up to do.

The other night I was out with a friend to get ice cream with the kids and Hannah was with us.  We got a cherry on top of the sundae she and I were going to share and one of the kids asked me, "Does Hannah like cherries Miss Katrina?"  Truth?  I don't know.  As I answered her I realized that while I feel like I know her (and I certainly know her a lot more than I did five months ago!), I truly don't know her yet.  I don't know all the foods she likes or doesn't like.  I don't know if she's even ever eaten a cherry.  With each day that passes we know her more and more fully, yet the holes remain.  When we first met we knew nothing about her and so the holes were so many, they felt more like tiny gaps we could easily fill in.  As we know her more, we realize some of those holes will just always remain and they will be giant cavernous holes.  Each time we face a new medical appointment or surgical procedure I am boldly reminded that I will never know if cancer runs in her family or if there is a history of heart conditions.  I will never know when she sat up, when she first crawled, or when she took her first steps.  I won't know what her first word was.  I can study and study and study her and learn all that I possibly can, but I can't ever get the answers to those questions.  I missed knowing those things when we met five months ago.  I long to know those things now.

Our summer has been busy and filled to the brim with activity.  Having Hannah home for five months now it is very easy for me to forget that there is still so much newness in all of this for her.  Her first summer with us, her first rounds of company in and out of our home, her first trip to the pool, her first trip to the fountains, her first leap through the sprinkler.  New is wonderful and I am so thankful to store my memory bank up with so many new and wonderful things with her, but I forget, new is also overwhelming and unsettling.  We had guests come spend two days with us, then we had a four day break, and then we had guests with us for a full week.  Hannah loved having company, but it was also incredibly overwhelming to her sense of security.  The stimulation put her systems into overdrive and left her hyper alert and on edge.  She was easily set off to tantrums and intense anger in the days following those visits.  It was just a reminder to me, "Hey!  I'm still new to all of this and I don't understand what to expect.  I'm still scared you might leave me or someone might take me from you.  Help me feel secure!"  We just needed to slow things down a touch after those visits and keep it close to home and as much back to our routine as possible.

Hannah has come so far.  There is still a long way to go.  God has been working in and through me during this last month.  Hannah has stretched me to many a breaking point.  She has pushed and pushed and I've wanted so hard to push back.  God is using her to show me my weaknesses, my personal struggles with sin, and He's using her to mold me, break me, and help me be more like Him.  So many times she has thrown a tantrum that lasted five minutes too long or screamed thirty seconds longer than I can physically tolerate.  So many times I've wanted to break, to cry, to scream right along with her (and sometimes, truth be told, I do).  Yet this month He has firmly planted two things into my heart and when things get difficult His spirit breathes them into me like life being breathed into the dead.  Image Bearer.  As God's created child and adopted daughter through His son Jesus Christ, I am His image bearer.  I can choose to do that justice and use that to draw others unto Him or I can choose to let my ugly sin cloud the glory of His image as I interact with my children, especially Hannah.  There are days I have to take a step back and breathe deeply and just chant to myself, "image bearer, image bearer, image bearer."  Be who you want your children to see when they seek to know Him more fully.  Be His hands and feet.  Be fully submitted to Him, allowing all your thoughts and actions to be captive to Jesus Christ.  This is so hard and this past month has been especially trying.  Hannah and I are a lot more comfortable together and I feel more relaxed in my approach to things with her--it is easy to allow sinful anger to creep in and attempt to break attachments.  So I close my eyes and breathe deep when all my attempts to calm her out of a tantrum have failed, I pace back and forth and repeat, "image bearer, image bearer, image bearer."  The second thing He has hidden in my heart this month is a passage from Ephesians chapter 5 verse 20.  It says, "giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."  Always and for everything.  Giving thanks always and for everything.  It doesn't say give thanks only when the going is good and life is great.  It doesn't say give thanks when your children obey and you aren't annoyed by the slamming door or the toys that should have been picked up 10 minutes ago.  No.  It says always.  At all times, forever, no matter what--that kind of always.  It also says for everything.  Hannah's tantrums are hard.  Teaching her about life in a family of four children is not easy.  Figuring out how to navigate over stimulating experiences is complex and worrisome.  But God's word says that I give thanks for everything.  I am thankful for Hannah's tantrums.  I am thankful I have to navigate difficult situations.  I am so thankful we get to deal with all of that because it means she is here, with us, in our home, and ours forever.  I will not lie.  Getting through many of these trials is hard, but the hard cannot cloud our ability to be thankful for everything, the hard stuff included.  So there may be days you hear me chanting to myself, "Image bearer, image bearer, image bearer." and "always and for everything, always and for everything, always and for everything."  No, I haven't lost my mind.  I'm just reminding myself of the lessons He is teaching me and trying to keep my heart, mind, and being in check and aligned to His purposes for me.  Many of these lessons would have been missed if Hannah weren't a part of our family.  I am so grateful He gave her to us, along with these opportunities to learn more about Him.

So, home five months and the dust is beginning to settle.  We have days and moments that feel very much like we are in China and we have days and moments that we feel very much like we have conquered so many battles.  In all of it, God is so good.  Hannah is an amazing girl and seeing her come into her own two year old understanding of her life in our family has been the greatest blessing I have experienced.  She is so brave, so forgiving, so loving, and so expressive.  I simply cannot imagine our lives now without this gift.  Complex and hard, difficult and stretching, but with it comes joy immeasurable and blessings upon blessings.  She is delight and joy.  She, too, is an image bearer and daily she teaches me more and more about always and for everything.

Hannah, we adore you, we can't wait to see you grow more and more to be like Him and we will give thanks for your addition to our family always and for everything.

ENT, Runaway Strollers, and First Haircuts

It is Monday today and we kicked the week off right with an appointment at the ENT to follow up on Hannah's tubes that were placed at the time of her lip repair.  We never actually met the ENT due to the timing of our surgery.  We met the resident who placed them the morning of the surgery, but never the primary physician overseeing the resident.  We weren't too concerned since tubes are a pretty routine procedure and not all that complicated.  We were so focused on the lip repair that day that it didn't matter.  Well, today was our follow up for the tubes.  As expected, it was anticlimactic and a generally useless appointment.  We also met the primary physician.  Guess what?  I didn't like him.  At all.  No pleasantries, no bedside manner, no nothing.  He spent all of thirty seconds with us and didn't do much to explain why her ear was bleeding fresh blood last week.  But, it is all okay because it is his last week at the clinic!  A new doctor is coming and hopefully we will like him better!  If not, we will return to the first ENT we visited.  We really liked the first ENT, but wanted the tubes placed in conjunction with her lip repair so we had to use a doctor through the hospital for that to happen.  She is supposed to go back in 6 months for a follow up and a hearing test, but this isn't the best part of our trip to UK today.  Things were far more eventful just prior to our appointment in the parking garage.

When we go to the Clinic we have to park in a large structure and then walk a fair distance to get to all the various clinics where she has been seen for appointments.  I use the stroller to get in and out of the appointments with her since it is too far for her to walk quickly.  Today, as I always have, I got the stroller out, set the brake, and loaded her up.  Only our stroller's brake is not always reliable and doesn't always fully catch.  I loaded her up and went up to the passenger door to get the diaper bag and her cup only to turn around and see her speeding off down the parking garage ramp!  Zing!  Just like that and she was off to the races!  The further she went, the faster she got, all the while she is shouting, "MA!  Mama!"  Like, "Hey lady, I'm rolling away here!  Do something about it!"  So off I go, in the race to catch the stroller before she gets to the bottom of the ramp.  Did I mention our appointment was at the crack of dawn?  The parking structure was like Grand Central Station.  And who actually drives s-l-o-w in a parking garage?  She was getting close to the corner and I just knew a car was going to come speeding around the curve and smash into her.  Heart in my throat I had to sprint to catch her, and I did, just as a car was rounding the curve.  Thankfully they were going a decent speed and stopped well back from the runaway stroller and I.  In the moment it was awful and I was so terrified she was going to get hit.  After the fact?  Oh my word I cannot stop laughing about the sight of that stroller zipping down the ramp and hearing her silly voice yell "MA!" at me.  Once I caught her and knew she was safe I laughed like a lunatic the whole way into the clinic.  Oh my...what a start to the day.

After we successfully survived the ENT appointment and managed to load into the car without further runaway stroller incidents, I took Little Miss for her first haircut.  I never did this with Grace since her hair grew in nicely, but in China they buzz their little heads for a long time and keep their hair as short as possible.  Hannah's hair has grown a ton since we got home, but it was really just sort of all over the place.  I didn't want it cut shorter, but it really just needed to be shaped and tamed a little as it continues to grow in.  She cried, I held her, we survived, and it looks better, too! 

So......just a regular start to the week for us--runaway strollers and all!

Her Mama

A couple months ago, I wrote this post about my heart's longing to be known fully to Hannah as her Mama.  For four and a half months I have truly just been a lady to Hannah, albeit perhaps a special lady in her mind, but just a lady.  Not her Mama.  Mama with a capital M.  HER Mama.  Hannah's Mama.

For a while I chalked it up to the newness and the language barrier.  I wasn't Mama yet, or even really mama with a little m, but this was a title of honor.  You don't just simply get it from these kiddos from hard places.  You have to earn it.  For a long time there was a language barrier and once the language issues started to subside it became an anatomy barrier (cleft lip meant she couldn't make the "mmmmmm" sound necessary for the word Mama).  So she didn't say it then, either.  Then she had her surgery in late April and immediately upon leaving the surgery we rapidly heard her ability to not only make the "mmmm" sound, but to also say the word Mama.  She could say it, but now it simply became the truth.  She didn't say it.  That was hard in a way that is difficult to describe.  Remember bringing home a newborn baby and being completely sleep deprived and yet pouring all you had into that little person?  Remember how you got nothing in return?  And it is hard.  Then, one glorious day that baby looks into your eyes and a smile emerges.  And it is all worth it.  It has been that kind of hard, knowing that Hannah could call me Mama, but that she wouldn't.  I knew not to get too worked up over it because just like that first smile, I knew it would come and it would be glorious and good and worth the wait.

To help her along with her identification of me as her Mama, I started requiring her to use my name to ask for things since I knew she was capable of saying it: "Water please, Mama!"  "Thank you, Mama!"  "Up, Mama!"  "Night, night, Mama!"  I'd have her repeat me like a little parrot and she would do it willingly.  Just not spontaneously.

Last week something happened.  I noticed it for a couple days and said nothing about it.  When Chris pointed it out to me, I knew I wasn't delusional and it was really happening.  I became Mama.  With a big M.  HER Mama.

It did not start slowly or gradually begin to emerge.  Nope.  One day it wasn't there.  The next day?  Suddenly, I am MAMA.  She uses it fast and furious for all that she needs.  "Mama! Mama!  Maaaaaaa!  Mammmmmma!"  I need a drink, I need a snack, I am done napping, I am hurt, I am sad, I need your attention!  MAMA!

I wrote this in my previous post about being known as Mama:

Oh, sweet Hannah.  If only you knew who I was, what my intentions are, or what the bigger picture is.  All I have for you is the best I have to give.  All I have for you is for your good. Little girl, I see the tiny bricks being laid.  I know the day will come.  It won't just be a glimmer of a moment or as fleeting as the wind.  You will know.  And I will know.  I am fully your Mama.  Not just a Mama.  Yours.  And your lips will utter it with full assurance, "You are MY Mama."  And the doubt will be gone.  And the grief will be just a quiet murmur in the background of life.  You will be secure in the arms or your Mama.

The grief is still there and while I wish I could say at this moment it is a quiet murmur in the background of life, it isn't, but it is getting there.  But I can say now with full assurance, I am HER Mama.  Hannah's Mama.  And she knows it.

On the road weary days when I am running out of steam to run this race, I can take a deep breath and know.  She knows.  I know.  Hannah has a Mama.  And it's me.

Summertime, Summertime!

Yesterday was a gorgeous summer day.  We filled it with all wonderful summertime family activities.  We started things off with a bike ride that was intended to be a family ride.  We got about 1 mile into the ride and Chris rapidly realized that the twins have gained some weight since last summer in the bike trailer and adding to the weight, he needed air in both his bike tires and the trailer tires.  They needed to turn back, but we quickly agreed that Jacob, Hannah and I would finish the trail ride and have them pick us up at a 2nd entrance for the trail.  Hannah wasn't too keen about her new bike seat when we first put her in it.  She wanted to ride in the trailer instead.  She tried to throw a fit and cried for the first minute or two, but she quickly discovered she likes Mama's bike seat and was having fun.  If I'd stop to let Jacob catch up or to discuss something on the trail, she'd push on my back and shout, "YO! YO!" which is her version of "Go! Go!"  She fell asleep in it near the end of our ride, so I think it is safe to say she felt relaxed and enjoyed it.

This guy could ride all day long!

"Yo! Yo!"  Don't stop, Mama!

After grilling out and just enjoying the yard, we decided we would take all the kids downtown to play in the fountains.  We used to do this every summer with the kids, but last year, for some reason, the fountains were never on!  We were excited to discover they were on earlier this week and couldn't wait to take the kids down to play.  All of our kids have shown varying levels of a love-hate feeling toward the fountains, especially on their first trip.  We were curious to see how Hannah would respond.  I'll let the pictures do the talking....
 

Things started pretty mellow, though she did not hesitate to get in at all...

Grace showed Hannah what it was all about.

Getting warmed up...

Getting more into it now....

Really finding her groove...

This is seriously fun!

They got really big near the end!

Not afraid, even of the big ones!

Ummmm....it took her all of about 2 minutes there before she started doing this....

Mama, this Southern China girl is FROZEN!

Everyone is frozen and tired.  Mission accomplished!

Spontaneous and Unexpected {Four Months Home}

We are celebrating four months at home with Miss H today!  I'm looking back over the past four months and remembering just how far we have come.  Hannah has made wide strides this month, overcoming some post op setbacks, and bounding ever forward.

Some highlights for me this month include the massive change we have seen in her relationship with Daddy.  This is certainly an answer to bold prayers!  In the last 2-3 weeks we have seen Hannah get truly excited about welcoming Daddy home from work and seek him out both for comfort and for play.  This, in turn, has created a much missed and deeply needed sense of peace and "normal" in our home.  All is right with our world--all the kids love Daddy!

Another bright spot has been the explosion in language we have seen from Hannah.  She is understanding nearly everything we say to her and trying her hand at saying many, many things (despite her cleft).  I'm slowly catching on to "Hannah Speak" and it has been such a blessing to communicate through more than grunts and tears!  She just recently added "ok" to her repertoire this week and I have to say, it is for sure one of my favorites!

Of course, we're still doing our post-adoption dance with her.  We have good days--this week we even had a great day thrown in--but, we still have good bit of hard.  Forward and back.  Forward never comes without some back somewhere along the time.  The two stick together like peas in a pod.  Forward and back.  We're still working to overcome post-op sleep issues and Hannah has yet to return to her own bed (and I doubt if she'll get there prior to her palate repair).  Night terrors continue to plague her naps and sadly, while they seem to be happening without an increase in frequency, they do seem to be increasing in intensity.  There is nothing more gut wrenching than to sit with her through these times, as she screams in true primal terror, and is reaching out for something, I don't know what.  To both Chris and I it seems almost as though she is dreaming of being taken (from us or from her foster parents--we'll never know).  There is nothing we can do but sit with her until it is done and then tuck her back in.  Sometimes there are days when I forget who she is and where she is from and I take on the "typical" summertime activities.  Two doctor's appointments, a dentist appointment, and a trip to the library?  Way....too....much for two days back to back.  We are still recovering from all those appointments, so today's trip to two grocery stores may have been a bit too much too?  You bet!  Over stimulation bombards her at times and all she can do to shut it all out is scream for a long, long time.  All I can do to calm the screaming is to strap her in the ergo and draw her close.  Usually within five minutes the screaming will fade and she will nestle in and hang on tight.  She'll need to stay in that little cocoon for a while.  She always lets me know when the panic has passed, the over worked senses have calmed, and she's ready to come back out and take on all that the world throws at her.  I can at least say this much about these moments four months in....I am better able to see them coming and more equipped to try to head it off if I can.  When I can't prevent it from happening, I know the remedy is always the closeness the ergo provides (that ergo....seriously....best money ever spent!).  I'll also admit that she's not the only one doing the post adoption dance of forward and back.  I have moments where I pat myself on the back for the stellar adoptive mama way I handle some situations and wish our post-adoption department from our agency could see just how well I handled a particularly messy or complicated matter.  Then....I have my moments that I want to shout for a redo as I fumble through and respond with anger or impatience.  So we do a little forward and back together--there are partners in this dance.  This is not a solo performance, this journey of adoption.  We also do our fair share of dancing around with sibling relationships and family dynamics and while this fourth month home has presented us with some of our greatest sibling struggles, it has also provided opportunity for deepening of sibling bonds, as well.

The best thing I've experienced in month four has been the spontaneous and unexpected. Hannah has recently started displaying affection in spontaneous and unexpected ways.  Sometimes she'll come from the back of the house, up to the kitchen, just to give my leg a tight squeeze.  Yesterday she grabbed my cheeks in her sweet little toddler hands and pulled me in close for a long round of Eskimo kisses and lots of giggles.  She pats with deep emphasis in her hugs now and wants to squeeze tight and hard.  She said her first unprompted, "I love you" the other day. She might even sneak in to plant a kiss on you when you least expect it or ask to receive affection from you--all firsts for us this month!

One more month under our belts.  One more month toward the tally of having her home longer than she was gone.  One more month to tuck gospel truths into her heart and watch her bloom.  The in the trenches work is hard, the days are sometimes incredibly long, but the gift of seeing her realize the true security of home is worth every tear shed, every teeth gritting round of time in, every deep breath taken to quickly pray for wisdom.  She's hard work.  She's complicated.  She is feisty and sassy.  She's stubborn (oh, so very stubborn).  She is pure joy.  She is delight.  She tugs at my heart way down, deep inside.  She's precious and so very wanted.  She's eager and hungry to learn.  She doesn't miss a beat (and sometimes she marches to her own).  She has taken on so much (SO MUCH) in these last four months and yet, despite the hard stuff, the difficult days and trauma filled past, she radiates joy.  We press on with excitement into month five.  Here's hoping for lots more of the spontaneous and unexpected!

"...let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross..."

~Romans 12:1-2~