Music for my Soul

Through the process of healing, many songs have brought me peace, comfort, and encouragement.  Many people have sent me songs to listen to and some of them I have just heard on KLOVE on the radio.  I thought I'd share some of the songs I have found especially meaningful to me through the last month.  Perhaps they will bring comfort to someone else.

 

Blessings by Laura Story

This has always been a favorite of mine at various times of trial and struggle in my life.  It took a new and different meaning for me now.

 

 

I Will Carry You by Selah

You should look up the documentary video on YouTube for the back story to this song.  This mom is an amazing woman and sings from her heart (and sadly from a deeply painful experience).  It is so powerful.

 

 

Better Than a Hallelujah by Amy Grant

This one just reminds me that being "real" with God is okay and so much better and more meaningful to Him than a "fake" praise.  He knows our hearts and wants us to share them with Him.

 

 

Need You Now by Plumb

It's right and good to have those times in life that you just tell Him how badly you need Him.

 

 

Not for a Moment by Meredith Andrews

It is so good to be reminded who He is and what His intentions are.

Hope these bring peace to you as well.  Really, take the time to listen to them.  You will be blessed.

Miracle

My 2013 did not start out with the bang of fireworks or a splash of champagne.  I did not cry out Happy New Year at the stroke of midnight.  No, instead, my heart cried out to God, why?  Why me?

I should warn you.  This post will be unlike most of my regular posts.  There will not be happy tidings or silly incidents involving my children.  This post will be raw and real and talk about things that might make people feel uncomfortable.  This post is about loss and hurt and aching.  Miscarriage is not something people talk about in our culture.  It is a silent suffering and so often people think you should just pick up and move on.  If you have never walked the road of miscarraige or pregnancy loss, you will never understand the depth of the grief or the pain of the loss.  I understand if you don't want to take the journey with me.  Everyone grieves differently and I understand if walking this road with me is too difficult.  It is not my intent to bring grief or hurt to anyone else through this post, but to somehow bring healing to myself.

Shortly after Thanksgiving God blessed Chris and I with wonderful, exciting news.  We were pregnant!  We were so excited (and a bit nervous, as I think everyone feels when they first find out they are expecting).  What a blessing!  A new baby, due August 6th.

Not long after we found out we were pregnant my mother's intuition started to kick in (or more likely, God started to prepare me).  Something was wrong.  Nothing felt right.  I had no symptoms of being pregnant.  I went to my first prenatal appointment somewhere around 6.5 weeks and discussed my concern with my midwife.  I also mentioned my concerns to my mom, Chris, and a dear friend that I trusted to pray.  All of them told me what I expected to hear: every pregnancy is different!  Do not worry!  Do not fear!  Choose hope!  I was scheduled for my first ultrasound for December 28th and as the day drew near the ugly fangs of fear settled deep into my flesh.  I could barely sleep or eat, I was distracted and emotional.  I began to feel a bit like I was in a daze.  I just knew I did not want to go to that ultrasound.  I knew the news would not be good.  Dread was heavy and there was no excited anticipation like there had been at my previous ultrasounds in other pregnancies.

December 28th arrived and my heart raced. Tears were boiling just under the surface.  Chris and I sat silently in the waiting room, both of us knowing what we were about to see.  We had the ultrasound and saw our sweet, tiny baby had stopped developing.  No tiny heart beat rapidly.   The room was quiet.  Terribly quiet.  All I wanted was to run out of there and cry.  The ultrasound technician didn't know what to say and didn't want to tell me our baby had died.  She tried to quietly reassure me--maybe my dates were wrong, don't panic, talk to the midwife first.  I knew she just didn't have the heart to tell me the truth.  Our baby was gone.

We met with the midwife and it was all a bit of a blur.  Options were discussed of how to end the pregnancy since my body showed no signs of doing so naturally.  I bit my lip and tried unsuccessfully to fight back tears.  It all felt so cold, medical, sterile, and uncaring.  I was told I would have to wait a week to have an additional ultrasound in order to confirm the pregnancy had truly ended and then I would be scheduled for a d&c.  Walking out of that room my legs felt like lead and I wanted to get to my car as quickly as possible.  Tears flooded me on the drive home. Our baby.  Our precious baby.  Gone.  And I had to walk around for a week as though nothing had changed, knowing all the while, that in my womb was just a shell of our baby.

There are no words to describe that week.  I felt like a robot.  A shell of myself just simply going through the motions.  The anxiety was high, the emotions were intense.  I just wanted all of it to end.  Healing couldn't begin until it all came to an end.  I couldn't put one foot in front of the other, yet I had to.  There were Christmas celebrations to still attend, my children didn't know anything of what had happened, I had to be their mom.

Thursday, January 3rd arrived and it was the day of my repeat ultrasound.  One last look at our sweet baby.  Still gone.  This appointment was a flood of tears and body shaking sobs.  Oh God....there is our sweet baby.  Why won't her heart beat?  Why does this have to happen?  We scheduled the d&c for the next morning, there was blood work, paperwork, hoops to jump through.  All of it very mechanical and cold.

The day of the surgery is also a total blur.  All I remember is tears.  A lot of endless tears.  I knew our baby was in heaven in my heart, I really did.  But the thought of the d&c....it just hurt.  Reading the consent form and seeing words like "tissue" and "removal" and "disposal" and "risk of infertility."  It was all too much to bear and the tears just poured down.  I felt so alone.  So empty.  Before the surgery my doctor said something to me.  He said that despite the circumstances, he hoped God still got all the glory.

That night after all the drugs had worn off I curled up in a tight ball and let the real, ugly, gut wrenching sobs come out.  Chris just held me and listened to the tears fall.  He asked if I wanted to talk and I choked out, "I'm not pregnant anymore."  And it hit me.  I'm not pregnant anymore.  While I spent a week in agony carrying my baby that I knew was no longer there, I was at least still pregnant.  Now I'm not.  It's over.  Our baby is gone.  Completely gone.  The floodgates opened and the emotions were hard.  As I lay there sobbing I cried out to God to show me how in all this He could possibly be glorified.  How was this anything more than just an ugly indication of how messed up this world really is?  Then it hit me.

This baby was a miracle.  A true miracle and gift of God.  You see, I'd never been able to get pregnant before.  Before we had Jacob we tried for nearly a year and a half.  I had tests done and nothing really showed anything.  There was no real reason I couldn't get pregnant, but it just wasn't happening.  I didn't ovulate.  My doctor prescribed clomid and it worked.  We got pregnant in March of 2007, only to lose that baby as well.  Four more months of treatment and we were pregnant with Jacob.  When we decided to try for another after Jacob turned two it was much the same.  We tried a while on our own with no luck.  I went back to the doctor who gave me the same medication we'd used previously.  Within three months we were pregnant with Joshua and Grace.  With this baby we had decided together we didn't want to use medical intervention again.  We decided to try with the understanding that if it happened, great.  If not, we'd be okay with our family as it was.  When we made that choice I truly believed in my heart I would never get pregnant again and while it hurt, I still had a small speck of hope.  Maybe, just maybe, it would happen.  Imagine my shock when we discovered we were pregnant after our first month of trying.  Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine this could happen.  It was a miracle.  And there it is.  God's glory in all this messed up, broken sadness.  He blessed us with a miracle.  A miracle!  This baby was a gift from God.  How humble and blessed am I to be honored to be the mother who carried this sweet gift, even if for a short time?

Dear Sweet Miracle Baby,
What a sweet, amazing, precious gift you were to us!  God blessed us with a miracle through you and our lives will be forever changed because of it.

Right now I feel like my life is crumbling.  No one would know what has happened to look at me.  My body shows no signs of having been pregnant or of suddenly losing the sweet life that was once inside me.  Life goes on around me like normal and normal hurts me so much right now.  I want you to know, sweet Miracle, that while the world spins onward and people move forward as though nothing has changed, I will not forget you.  I will not forget your sweet life or what it meant to us.  You have changed me and I will never be the same because of you.

When I look forward to and long for my life in Heaven with the Lord I picture my life with you.  What a day that will be, when I will hold you and your sweet brother or sister.  I will count your tiny fingers and your tiny toes.  I will look at your sweet rosebud lips and smell your fragrant baby skin.  And as I've done with all my babies, both in the womb and here on earth, I will lean my head down to your ear and sing Jesus Loves Me.  Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.  Little ones to Him belong.....

I love you little Miracle.  Goodbye, but only for now.

Love,
Your Brokenhearted Mommy

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

~Lamentations 3:22-23~

Christmas Letter

Dear Friends and Family Both Near and Far,

I've really been dragging my feet about writing this letter.  In fact, I even told a friend of mine that I wasn't sure if I would write it because I didn't feel as though anything happened in my family that was "Christmas Letter Worthy."  In light of the horrendous tragedy that occurred in Newtown, Connecticut just last week, I realized how grossly wrong I was in making that statement.  Life, no matter how mundane, is to be cherished and celebrated.  We all saw how quickly life can be snuffed out.  Twenty six lives stormed the gates of Heaven all in the matter of 3 minutes.  So this year we humbly admit we have taken much for granted and have been blessed with far more than we deserve.

Our 2012 started out a bit rocky with an early Sunday morning phone call informing me that my mother had been rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery.  After spending four days convinced that my mom had an extremely aggressive form of cancer, we rejoiced to hear she did NOT have cancer....not one mutated cell!  She spent 10 days in the hospital and her recovery was slow, but she made it through.  Both my older sister, Wendy, and I were able to successfully plan to go to NY to help her at home for one full week each.  Chris, my mother in law, and my other sister Jennifer held down the fort while I was away.  I am thankful for that week serving my mom and being able to be THERE.  I just needed to give her a squeeze.  Later in the spring she had her original procedure reversed and all is well!  She is healthy and vibrant and you would never know she'd gone through such an ordeal.

Upon my return from NY we were in full swing birthday mode for Joshua and Grace's first birthday!  Bye-bye bottles, hello sippy cups and big kids!  First birthdays are so much fun and so special!  I tackled baking and decorating my first cakes with my older sister's help.  Joshua's frog and Grace's butterfly were both totally cute.  Unfortunately they both also spent their first birthday with an ear infection, but all things considered we had a fun, quiet family celebration at home.  Joshua is our zest for life.  He is always mischievous and into something, but his grin and giggle is infectious.  He is saying more and more words each day and some of my personal favorites include:  "Oh no!" and "Oh...PITY (pretty)!"  Gracie is our sweet nurturer.  She cries when someone else is hurt or in trouble and is so cute to request hugs.  She loves to give running commentary of all that she sees and her vocabulary is bursting forth!

In March we celebrated Jacob's fourth birthday!  Wow!  How on earth is he big enough for that?!  Jacob started PreK in August and LOVES to go to school.  He attends on M, W, and F for three hours in the morning.  He also tremendously enjoyed going on his first overnight camping trip with Daddy this summer as well as playing T-Ball on our local YMCA team.  Jacob is our leader.  He is eager to learn and to please and wants to be twenty and work with his dad.  He attends Cubbies (AWANA) at church each week and memorizes his Scripture so quickly!  We are proud of him and enjoy hearing him ask many questions about Jesus and how to live for him.  We see God working in his little life and we are so excited God has included us in His plan for him.

Chris still works at Lockheed Martin as a purchasing supervisor.  He seems to really enjoy the work he does and is always eager to be challenged more.  He seems to care a lot for his team and wants to do as much as he can.  He is an amazing Dad and always so willing to give me a break here and there or help me with everyone around the house.  He and I are teaching the two year old Sunday School at church this year and he continues to serve in the sound booth and various other activities in our church.

I currently stay at home with our three children.  I spend a lot of time acting as the bus service to get Jacob to and from school each day and spend the rest of my time attempting to maintain peace in a home with a four year old and two 22 month olds in it.  I am teaching the Puggles (AWANA) class again this year and as I mentioned above, Chris and I are also teaching the two year old Sunday school class.  We are having so much fun with this assignment and I'm so glad God lead us to do this.  These kids keep us hopping, but boy are they fun! 

We don't know yet what God holds in store for our family in 2013, but from the tiny glimpses He has shared with us, we are excited to see His plan unfold for us throughout the year.  We pray God will be active and real in your life throughout the coming year and that you will cling to His promises of hope.

Love in Christ,
Chris, Katrina, Jacob, Joshua, and Grace

Thankful...

If you are on Facebook at all, I'm sure you've seen your news feed full of the "thankful status posts."  I find it so encouraging to read all the things my friends and family are thankful for throughout the month of November.  It makes me wonder what our lives would be like if we could carry that outlook beyond the screen, iPhone, iPad, or even just the month of November?  Would we be changed?  I think we would.  While I haven't participated in the "thankful status updates" myself, I have been having fun reflecting and thinking in the days leading up to Thanksgiving about all God has graciously (yes, GRACIOUSLY--I didn't earn any of it) blessed my family with.  So, to copy my friends on facebook, I've been inspired!  I will do my own list of things I am thankful for.  One for each day of the month of November.

I am thankful (read blessed, grateful, so happy to have, overjoyed with, etc.) for:

1-The indwelling of the Holy Spirit.  What a gift!  I'd be so lost without it!

2- My church family.  I have learned SO MUCH about what it means to live my life with a gospel focus there.  Best church.  Ever.

3-My wonderful husband who tirelessly goes out the door each and every day to earn a living in order to provide for his family.  And he does it without complaining--not something I can say about my work ethic... Then comes home to chaos and a frazzled wife and still keeps a positive attitude.  I am thankful for his insight into things and his leadership.  I am thankful that he loves me.  The real me.  Not the "I want you to like me" me.

4-Jacob!  I love his curiosity, desire to learn, and that he is just....like...his...DAD!

5-Joshua!  I adore his free abandon and total spunk.  This boy loves life (and food)!

6-Gracie Beth!  God knew just what I needed when He gave me her...

7-My parents.  They sit and just simply watch my kids play over Skype.  Sometimes it is because the kids asked to talk to Grandma or Grandpa on the computer.  Sometimes it is because Mommy has been home alone all day long and needs another "adult" to keep me company.  And so, we just sit...on Skype...watching my kids play.  Somehow a long day alone gets easier with their "company."  I love them.

8-My in-laws.  I am so thankful I don't have any of "those" stories to tell about my in-laws.  I have never felt anything less than loved and a total part of the family.  I adore how they adore my children and I learn daily from them about living Christ out through sacrifice and love!  I am thankful my children see them so often.

9-My sister, Jennifer.  Sometimes my sister calls me to ask me if I've bought a birthday gift for so and so and when I say no, she just sweetly says, "okay, then you now owe me $20" and buys an item she's found on super sale and let's me look like a super cool Aunt.  I love that.  I love that she "gets" that I don't exactly get out to leisurely shop often with three kiddos in tow (is anything leisurely with three kiddos in tow?).  I love that she shows up at my house at 8:30AM just to see my kids for 10 minutes between appointments.

10-My sister, Wendy.  She's my deal finder, internet searching, research question go to girl!  If I can't find an item I want, she finds it for me and sends 3 links and 5 photos from her iPhone for me.  I love that she has truly become a Michigander and loves her home.  I love that she stays home and raises her boys.

11-My brother, Bill.  I am thankful for his legacy as a Ruth.  I am thankful he works hard and is passionate about what he does.  I love that he now has a job he loves.  I LOVE to tease him about UK basketball...

12-My sister-in-law, Shelley.  I love that she loves my brother!  I love how she is raising my nephews and how hard she works.  I do not know how she works as hard as she does, at a job as demanding as it is, and does so much with her boys on top of it.  Shelley is super mom.

13-My other sister-in-law, Jenn.  What a sweet, loving, kind spirit!  Jenn just oozes love for the Lord and I adore that about her!  I love how she longs to see our kids and giggles at our silly videos on facebook.  I love that she took time out of her busy day to send a worn out mom a sweet encouraging note.  I love her music and to listen to her worship!

14-My brother-in-laws.  Joseph, Chris, and Luke.  These guys are alllllllllllll so very different, yet I feel like they add so much that is unique to our family.  Joe is super protector and I know if I ever need someone to get my back when Chris is gone, he will drop everything to be here.  I love that he secretly has a really soft spot in his heart for Jacob. Chris is my go to man when I need help with anything techie!  I think I call him every single year at Christmas to help me with my shopping for MY Chris.  He will do anything for me and much like Wendy, send me 3 links and 5 photos from his iPhone.  I love how he was there for me when Joshua had his allergic reaction to eggs and we were introduced for the epi pen...talking to me from work to confirm what I was seeing and helping us navigate all the doctor visits.  Luke is an awesome video game player and Jacob adores him.  I love that Jacob adores him.  Luke reads Bible stories at night with all the voices and I think that is pretty darn cool, too.

15-NEPHEWS!  God has blessed me with some pretty awesome nephews!  Andrew is AMAZING with my kids.  Amazing.  He is growing up into such a young man and I miss having dance parties and jumping on the bed with him, but I love having "real" conversations with him too.  He does "cool" stuff too and Jacob loves to watch him do those things.  William and Ben live too far away!  I adore how William is sooooooooooo sweet with Grace.  Super sweet.  Smother her with love sweet.  It makes my heart melt.  I love how Ben is a man of few words and wants to sit on my lap still and be my partner when we play games I'm not good at.  I love his laugh.  Anderson and Jonathan are too far away too!  I love how quietly talented Anderson is.  Swim team, piano, great student, math wiz...the kid picks up anything he tries.  Jonathan is totally a DUDE.  I love that he is ALL boy.  I love him in his smart man glasses and hearing my sister shriek when he gets a touchdown in football.

16-My home.  You know, I struggle with this one sometimes.  I struggle with contentment.  Oh, how I would love a larger home to open to others often, but you know, this is where God has us and He can still us our hospitality through our small home.  I am thankful we are cozy and snug here together.  I am thankful to be safe from the elements.

17-Provision.  I am thankful I can make a menu plan, go to the grocery and shop, buying the healthy things I desire for my children, and have no fear of whether or not the money will be there.  This goes back to my thankfulness for the hard working hubby.

18-Our van.  When you have three kids a large car that your WHOLE family fits in at one time is a big deal!  I'm thankful God provided this for us right when we needed it most.

19-Access to His word through the Bible with no fear of persecution.  I'm so glad that when I have a question about life, I can go to His word and He is faithful to provide an answer!

20-Jacob's school.  I am so thankful for our school decision for Jacob for this year.  What a wonderful first school experience he is having and we are so blessed and thankful!  I pray each year can be this meaningful to him.  Would you join us in prayer as we make some tough choices pertaining to school for next year in the very near future?

21-Teaching BFG.  I love teaching our two year olds!  They are so much fun! 

22-Chocolate.  I can't let this one slide by.  I love chocolate.  All shapes and forms.  I don't really discriminate.

23-A washing machine and dish washer.  A family of five produces a lot of laundry and dishes in a day.  I'm glad I don't have to do any of those things by hand.  And I complain that I have to hang the laundry up.....

24-Sewing and a sewing machine.  I have found so much joy in creating things and doing it fairly successfully!  Sewing makes me feel all homemaker-ish.  Ha, ha.

25-For sound guidance of friends over parenting issues.  Chris and I are the parents we are because of our church body.  We would not know what we were doing without them.  They challenge us to think outside the box and I love it.

26-Pictures.  There is just something so fun about going back to look at old photos!  I'm thankful my mom taught us to keep photo albums and trips home always involve a stop in the den to look something up in a photo album.  I love remembering things and enjoying those memories.

27-Motherhood.  I love being a mom!  It is the hardest job....ever.  Some days I want to submit my resignation and quit--or at least submit a lot of PTO all at once, but in all seriousness I adore my children.  I love watching them bloom.  I love pouring into them all of God's goodness.

28-Computers.  I'm so thankful I have access to things like Skype so my parents can see my children grow and randomly sit "with" me to watch them play.  I love e-mail and facebook.  I enjoy keeping up to date with my nephews and siblings through technology.

29-Praise and Worship.  I love to sing.  I love to praise Him.  I love to praise Him through song.

30-For this exercise.  Actually making a list of the things I am thankful for makes me realize I have little to complain or sulk about and lots and lots to praise Him about.

So, what about you?  What are YOU thankful for?

Fragmenting!

We love the books in the If You Give a Moose a Muffin series by Laura Joffe Numeroff.  The pictures are cute and the characters are dragged off on wild tangents by a cute animal character.  Recently I saw a post on Facebook where the story had been adapted to tell a tale about a Mom.  I chuckled at the story and moved on, but recently I've begun to see a lot of truth in that story!  Some days I become so frustrated that my brain does not retain information like it used to.  Memorizing Scripture or remembering to do something I promised someone I would do is painfully difficult.  My brain is going in so many directions at one time.  It can be difficult to formulate a coherent thought never mind complete a task from start to finish.  I've become a fragmented mess!  I fragment!  Me!  Start to finish, A-Z, ME!  It is rare that I finish things (at least in the order intended to be completed) because I often forget what I started in the first place.  I'll give you an idea of what it looks like by telling you what happened in my brain today during the 30 minutes that I allowed my children to watch a program on PBS.

The kids finished lunch and I got them up and put on their video, returning to the kitchen to clean up the dishes, etc.  While cleaning the dishes I heard some mischief in the video room and looked in to find Grace unfolding a large basket of laundry I had sitting out.  So I sat on the floor and refolded the laundry and took it to our bedroom.  I started putting away the laundry and went into the babies' room.  Entering their room with a hand full of laundry, I saw a mess on the floor.  The mess needed to be picked up.  So I started cleaning.  I found a snack cup on the floor that was dirty and took it to the kitchen.  Oh yeah!  I was cleaning the kitchen and never finished it.  I started putting more dishes away in the dishwasher and wiping off the table.  Joshua came into the kitchen while I was cleaning off the table and he had a dirty diaper.  I took him back to his room to change the diaper.  We're getting low on wipes!  I change the diaper and refill the wipes and while I'm at it I refill the basket of diapers because it is low too.  Now....what was I doing?  Oh!  I was putting away laundry.  I grab another stack and go into Jacob's room.  Oops!  I forgot to make his bed this morning.  I make his bed and in the meantime discover his floor is a mess too and start picking up toys.  Oh my, there are all his clothes from swim class today.  You know what?  I probably ought to start a load of laundry so I don't have to do laundry tomorrow with Bible study and church going on.  Hmmmm...I think there are clothes in my closet and Joshua and Grace's closet to run through a load.  I go about scooping up laundry and take them to the kitchen and start a load.  Oh!  I haven't finished cleaning up the kitchen yet!  Clean, clean, clean.  What next?  Oh the laundry.  I haven't finished putting the laundry away!  I go back to the basket and grab another heap and think, you know, I really need to wash the bathroom towels in the master bathroom.  I better scoop those up.  You know what?  I cannot remember the last time I changed the sheets on Joshua and Grace's cribs.  I better do those, too.  I go about changing sheets.  I bring the pile of dirty sheets and come into...you guessed it...the kitchen!  Oh dear, I forgot to start cooking the chicken for dinner tonight.  Better get that started before I forget!  Oh no!  Video is over?!  Time for naps.  I walk into the bedrooms only to see neatly stacked piles of laundry that I kept bringing into the bedrooms, but never got to put away because I kept getting distracted to do something else.  Better put those away.  Oops!  Kids are running wild.  Yup, it is time for naps!  Better put them down for a nap.  What is that smell?  Oh!  The chicken is on the stove.  It's done.  Go turn that off!  Oh yeah, don't forget to pay the bills today.  Must pay bills....

I could go on and on....this is pretty much how my brain works all day long.  This is why I have such a hard time getting from start to finish on anything I attempt to do!

So if you interact with a mom, or she tells you she'll call or do this or that for you, have patience with her.  She means well and will do her best to do whatever she told you she would do.  It just might take her a little extra time to get all the way from A down to Z.

Annual Pumpkin Patch Photos!

We made our annual trek to the pumpkin patch today!  It was a crisp, cool, Autumn morning.  We were a tad disappointed since there didn't seem to be quite the plethora of pumpkins out this year, but that's okay, we still had fun!

Pleased as Punch

This lil' punkin'.......

was pleased as punch....

with HIS lil' punkin'....

he didn't even want to....

put it down!