Thursday, November 13, 2014

The Flood

Today, our LOA arrived.  It also opened the floodgate of emotions I've had looming and have been pushing to the side.  Today I expected elation and a sense of giddiness, but instead I got a beautiful release of tears.  There were no tears yesterday when the Fed Ex truck didn't arrive, but oh, there were tears.  I wasn't kidding you when I told you the emotions related to adopting are so much like those of pregnancy.  They are wacky and irrational.  Up and down.  You feel like you are going bonkers. Why the tears?  Best answer?  I don't know (isn't that a typical pregnancy related answer to tears as well??).  There has been so much leading up to this LOA.  So much tension, fear, anxiety, and building anticipation and is here.  In my house.  Later tonight Chris and I will sign it and commit to making Hannah ours.  We will package it up and take it to drop off for overnight shipping to our agency.  There is a lot wrapped up in that to unpack and I can't really explain all of it.  Being a mother is not a job I take lightly.  It is the hardest, most sanctifying thing I've ever done.  Committing to mother and love and raise another child is a big deal.  Our lives and hers will never be the same.  I'm so overwhelmed by all there is yet to do and accomplish, yet, I am also so fully thankful for all God has accomplished for us thus far.  The tears are also in awe.  Total awe of where we were just a few short months ago to where we are now.  Just a few short months from adding sweet Hannah to our family.  The flood of emotions has arrived and I've finally let go enough to just let it come.  There are tears.  Happy ones.  Scared ones.  Anxious ones.  If you ask me about China in the next coming days and months I cannot guarantee that I won't cry when I talk about it because I don't know when these floodgates will close again.  Please don't take it as though I am not excited.  I'm over the moon, but I'm strung so thin with so (so, SO much) happening in such a short amount of time.  I cannot do my slow, deliberate, introverted processing that I so much enjoy.  Things are happening lightening fast and I can't wrap my mind around all of it.  Honestly, these tears are so welcome and so wonderful.  Cleansing.

Okay, deep breath in, exhale out.  There is an LOA sitting on my kitchen table and I have Visas to apply for!

Today, the flood came.  And so did our daughter's LOA.  Praise God, from whom all blessings flow.

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