Loss

Dear Hannah,
It becomes more real with each passing day.  You are going to be ours.  You are coming home.  There is a bed with blankets and pillows on it, chosen specifically for you.  Your great grandmama crocheted a blanket for you.  Your grandpa built you a bunk bed to share with your sister.  Grace picked out a stuffed panda bear for you to have.  There are stacks of beautiful clothes sitting in mommy's room waiting for you to wear.  You are really coming.  Soon.

Today Baba and I submitted the very last document we needed to submit in order to come get you.  Now we are just waiting to hear when we can come get you!  While I feel like I ought to be really rejoicing over that, I'm not.  I feel very sad and my heart hurts. How is that possible?  We've come so far and we've done so much and we rejoice at being so close to coming for you, but yet, my heart is so heavy.

My heart is heavy, dear Hannah, because I cannot stop thinking about the profound loss you are about to experience.  What will be one of the most anticipated and momentous days of our lives will be likely one the most emotional and traumatizing experiences of your life.  I want you to know, sweet daughter, that your loss and pain will not be lost on me.  I may be giddy with excitement at times, but I experience deep, gut wrenching pain when I think of the brokenness you are about to face and walk through.  I wish I could walk through it for you.  I can't walk through it for you, but I can walk through it with you.  You will not face the emptiness, brokenness, fear, or trauma alone.  I cry with you and for you already and I will cry with you and for you on that day when we finally meet.  I wish you didn't have to feel the pain of loss, but I am so thankful God ordained me to be the mama to wipe your tears.

I am praying for you, baby girl.  Soak in those snuggles from your foster mama in these last days.  Memorize the sights and sounds.  Taste the tastes and smell the smells.  Soon, all of that will change.  You will not understand and you will not know the end of the story, so it is going to be very scary, but if you will allow us to earn your trust, we hope to show you there is nothing that compares to the true, deep, always and forever love that a mama and baba can give.

Oh dear girl, your loss is not lost on me. 

We love you so deeply and profoundly already,
Mama